Crap Rattler: Corn teen DIY fun from a misanthrope
by Raymond Epstein
I hope you cool cats and kittens (sorry, 'tis the season) are staying safe, washing your hands (you should be doing this pandemics aside, you disgusting heathens!) and staying the fuck away from everyone outside of your home. Viruses (Covid 19 is no different) are like a gutter punk that bummed a ride to show that ends up sleeping on yr couch, drinking all yr beer and stinking up the place until you make it impossible for them to do so thus returning them to their squalid existence elsewhere. By staying away from everyone, washing your hands/disinfecting otherwise, wearing a simple mask to protect others when you go to the store or anyplace you can't stay more than six feet away from others will keep the Corona virus from stealing your records and leaving cheap hair dye in yr tub. I speak from experience. Yeah, gross.
Now that the dude with green hair, ratchet piercings/tatts, that hasn't bathed since Obama was in office is not at/nor coming to your place, what to do? I have some random ideas, but first I'll take a few moments to share my viewpoint and some history. I was always a loner kid growing up. I had a few friends, but I was quiet and very shy. I spent most of my free time drawing, riding my bike, skateboarding, surfing etc... by myself. I did not like going to birthday parties, Sunday school or much of anything involving multiple kids. I only began doing anything in groups of more than two when I began playing community league football in 6th grade. I liked the game, the aggression of it, but mostly was never incredibly fond of most of my teammates. I was not a typical "jock" other than being in okay shape. I have had to fight becoming a schwettefatfuck ever since.
Nevertheless, I was never too bummed out about being alone. I became very good at entertaining myself with a combination of individual athletic pursuits and artistic endeavors.
As time has past, I still find I have no issues being alone. I do not want to be around most anyway, but time at least has taught me how to appear engaged in others' worlds even when I couldn't care less. I mean really...mainstream music? Sportsball (yeah, I played football, but even then I never liked watching it or any of the trappings, but deem me a hypocrite)? Chain restaurants? Yeah, no thanks. So this whole social distancing thing doesn't really bug me.
As follows are some things I do (and have been doing) social distancing aside.
Find new music:
My approach to this has remained the same since I was a wee one. In record stores, I'd find something I was familiar with and then look around for something that seemed "similar", had cool artwork, or had been mentioned/thanked by bands I liked. I don't go into record stores as much anymore, but my method remains the same in the digital world. I've mentioned Bandcamp before and find it to be a great resource for not only finding tons of new (maybe just new to me, but whatever) stuff and being able to support the bands directly versus the pittance they'd receive via Spotify and other conglomerates. I find new things there nearly every time I go on it. Also nearly every band will have links to whatever social media platforms so that presents a further opportunity to find even more stuff.
Here are a few I've found in the last week and a quick blurb about them.
The Spells Yeah right from our home town!!! I actually knew about The Spells before, but was stoked to find their recorded stuff. They just released an album of their crazed garage punk chaos and despite my aforementioned misgivings you can check it out on Spotify. They are great live too and make me proud to be from Toadwater.
ISS NC duo making ear-shredding noise new wave punk electronic mayhem. Great fun and one of my new favs of late. Ordinary people won't like them.
Es London quartet that will make you dance around your kitchen to their post-punk synth goth bug-outs. My wife even kinda liked this and hates most of the trash I listen to. You can totes practice all your moves to this.
Dirty Donny Mixtape A great eclectic mix of modern alternative pop, metal, electronica , surf and punk. I found this one via Atarimatt of Idiotbox Effects who've mentioned before. His music played via repurposing old video games is bananas.
Find old music:
I guess I have been doing this forever too. Locate an artist in your collection and revisit or maybe first time explore old/other releases of theirs you weren't familiar with. Alternatively look for influences of theirs and check them out. Here are a few of the heavier ones I've dug into lately.
Melvins: Lysol and (a) Senile Animal The Melvins output on Atlantic records in the early '90s grunge label cash grab put their craziness in front of more people than anything else they've done and while it's fantastic their discography is so much more vast. Both of the above albums from very different time periods represent equally unique experiences. I linked the full albums as they are great listens in their entirety.
Helmet: Again another band whose landmark record Meantime from the same time period remains their most well known. Lately though I've really enjoyed listening to stuff from Strap it On and Betty. They were my workout/running jam back then and once again I've made a playlist with this stuff (and the next band) for my schwette freak outs.
Unsane: I never really got into these guys during their existence which only ended recently. This seems odd, but oh well, better late than never. Also sharing the same street with early label mates Helmet they are their nastier more blues-oriented neighbors. Avail is one of the best opening tracks on any record when you are trying to blast a hole through your listeners' brains.
Get the fuck out:
Timber mountain bike bell
No, I am not telling you to go ape and frolic, you infected cretins! However, there are many ways to get outside and places you can go whilst still remaining "socially distant". First off be creative. Go out at less popular times of the day and to unpopular places. Norfolk is a terrific place to go for a walk or even better a bike ride. This is a great way to get out and not be surrounded by infectious chuckleheads. The caveat is that you are better off going at off-peak hours, eg early in the morning or at dusk. Every green space gets crowded in the afternoon so avoid.
You may be thinking, "Dr Ray that sounds great, but what if I run into crowds of (or even solo) fools and want to make sure they keep their distance?" Well, you could scream at them or maybe act sick and feign coughing, but how about a more polite (and amusing) method? Ring a bell. Anyone that has ever been around me riding or running knows I come off fairly menacing, being a bigger guy with a scowl on my mug, dark clothes and a black bike (all of my bikes, but one are black and I may paint that one forthcoming). However, I break that image up by ringing a cute bell of sorts. I have some kind of bell on all of my bikes. Any bell will do and they can be had for cheap or next to nothing from your local bike shop or hardware store. I will admit to becoming somewhat of a bell snob and love the Spurcycle bell because it's sound is amazing. Yeah, they are really expensive, but you can find knock offs on Amazon.
However, lately my go to has become the Timber mountain bike bell. This bell will attach to your handlebars and has a cool lever that turns it off. It's sound is somewhere between a miniature cow bell and a ice cream truck. It may be the most polite way to say "get the fuck outta the way". In contrast to a standard bell it is more subtle and less like honking a car horn. You can find a REI coupon and get these for a deal. The response I've gotten from everyone I've come across with the Timber has been pleasant and people give you plenty of room without seeming put out by it. Naturally you could simply tie a small Christmas bell to yourself or your bike to produce the same effect, but its design, resonance and being able to shut it off is sweet.
Get lost:
There are a zilliion podcasts on every subject you can imagine. However, to stay focused on punk music here are a couple worth checking out.
No Dogs in Space Husband and wife hosts Marcus Parks and Carolina Hidalgo take deep dives into iconic punk bands. Extraordinarily well-researched and filled with many anecdotes that even the most ardent fans may not have heard, No Dogs in Space speaks about their subjects like two fans in a fun and inviting conversational manner.
End on End These are probably best only for the serious fans of Dischord records. The hosts go into in depth discussions on every single Dischord release in chronologic order along with interviews with associated band members.
Listen, act with intent and stay safe out there.
-Dr. Ray
"We are the music makers; we are the dreamers of dreams"
About Ray: Hello Tidewater and World! I am native of Norfolk/VB, however I now call Alpharetta (topside of Atlanta), Georgia home. I grew up playing guitar (and some singing) in numerous bands from high school on for which a punishing amount of detail can be found somewhere in the archives 'round here. These days I am a dentist, cyclist (mostly mountain biking), half-assed graphic artist and I still occasionally pop up in some hair-brained music outings. I've probably forgotten seeing/playing with more bands than most will ever see and still find my way to shows despite my otherwise domestic milieu. Hit me up with questions, comments, hate mail and dirty pictures.